I almost regret the series written for this blog “Five Ways to Not Lose your Mind During the Apocalypse”. See those here: 1 2 3 4 5
You know when the power goes out during a storm in the evening and it’s almost fun?
You light the candles and your house feels magical and romantic….all is quiet and you are timelessly, nostalgically cooking dinner over your fire place? You go to sleep with the flashes of lightening illuminating your room. The sounds of the pouring rain and thunder are soothing. You snuggle up and think about the unpredictable, uncontrollable qualities of nature and you feel that little bit of wild glowing inside yourself too.
Then you wake up.
The electricity is still off. You can’t listen to your favorite morning NPR show. Not a big deal. You know the stove wont work so you pop a bagel in the toaster...wait…that wont work either. You could have some cold cereal but you decide not to so you don’t have to break the seal on the fridge. Have an apple...no big deal. First world problems.
Hours later and your phone is dead. You were waiting on a couple calls from your doctor and from work but you’re really worried hoping that there wont be any emergencies in your home or with those that you love. You are starting to get concerned about all the groceries going bad in your fridge and freezer. You just stocked your freezer with homemade waffles and casseroles for quick meals and you had just gone to the grocery store and bought a lot of meat and dairy products. You decide to cook lunch on your grill but it’s so windy you have to pull it inside the mud-room and the smoke detector keeps going off.
This is not fun anymore.
Once is not enough: This is not fun anymore.
My whole adult life on some level I have lived with a phobia of depression. Once you have sunk to the lowest low (and/or seen someone close to you go there) it sticks with you forever and sometimes the fear guides your whole life and flavors every experience. When things are going well I often have the thought “This is too good to be true.” and I wonder when the good time will give way to me feeling like ending it all again.
I’m not there yet but the fear is definitely with me. In the media so much of the discussion around the quarantine has been sugar coating what the actual experience is like. I’m not laughing, it’s not funny and I’m often not finding it possible to “focus on the positive”. The fact of the matter is:
Humans are social animals.
Avoiding contact with others is like avoiding food or water or bodily movement. Social interaction is a literal need; unlike my previous analogy: electricity.
My life before quarantine was extremely slow paced, unscheduled and simple. I’m not going from working full-time to nothing, I was not a clubber, church-goer or enrolled in school and I didn’t (don’t) have many friends. I saw my family a couple times a month, my husband’s family less than that and a friend and handful of affectionate acquaintances once a month or so. My main social interactions were short conversations with strangers or semi-strangers that I had in passing at kid’s events at the library, while shopping or on a walk. By many people’s standards I was near reclusive.
I had no idea what those interactions meant to me until now. The disappearance of these people that I wouldn’t have considered my friends or my community has left the largest hole in my heart. I miss my ninety seconds a week with Courtney the cashier at Cross Street Payless. I miss his jokes, his good mood, the stupid meaningless small talk. Heather the librarian that does the toddler programs at the library doesn’t even know my name but if I were to see her today I would shed tears of relief and joy and want to embrace her. I miss the heartbreakingly genuine smile of Paisley, Corina’s swim teacher at AU. I miss exchanging pleasantries with a homeless man named Ricky while Corina plays at the playground downtown. Just thinking of those people (and others) brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.
Then you wake up.
The electricity is still off. You can’t listen to your favorite morning NPR show. Not a big deal. You know the stove wont work so you pop a bagel in the toaster...wait…that wont work either. You could have some cold cereal but you decide not to so you don’t have to break the seal on the fridge. Have an apple...no big deal. First world problems.
Hours later and your phone is dead. You were waiting on a couple calls from your doctor and from work but you’re really worried hoping that there wont be any emergencies in your home or with those that you love. You are starting to get concerned about all the groceries going bad in your fridge and freezer. You just stocked your freezer with homemade waffles and casseroles for quick meals and you had just gone to the grocery store and bought a lot of meat and dairy products. You decide to cook lunch on your grill but it’s so windy you have to pull it inside the mud-room and the smoke detector keeps going off.
This is not fun anymore.
Once is not enough: This is not fun anymore.
My whole adult life on some level I have lived with a phobia of depression. Once you have sunk to the lowest low (and/or seen someone close to you go there) it sticks with you forever and sometimes the fear guides your whole life and flavors every experience. When things are going well I often have the thought “This is too good to be true.” and I wonder when the good time will give way to me feeling like ending it all again.
I’m not there yet but the fear is definitely with me. In the media so much of the discussion around the quarantine has been sugar coating what the actual experience is like. I’m not laughing, it’s not funny and I’m often not finding it possible to “focus on the positive”. The fact of the matter is:
Humans are social animals.
Avoiding contact with others is like avoiding food or water or bodily movement. Social interaction is a literal need; unlike my previous analogy: electricity.
My life before quarantine was extremely slow paced, unscheduled and simple. I’m not going from working full-time to nothing, I was not a clubber, church-goer or enrolled in school and I didn’t (don’t) have many friends. I saw my family a couple times a month, my husband’s family less than that and a friend and handful of affectionate acquaintances once a month or so. My main social interactions were short conversations with strangers or semi-strangers that I had in passing at kid’s events at the library, while shopping or on a walk. By many people’s standards I was near reclusive.
I had no idea what those interactions meant to me until now. The disappearance of these people that I wouldn’t have considered my friends or my community has left the largest hole in my heart. I miss my ninety seconds a week with Courtney the cashier at Cross Street Payless. I miss his jokes, his good mood, the stupid meaningless small talk. Heather the librarian that does the toddler programs at the library doesn’t even know my name but if I were to see her today I would shed tears of relief and joy and want to embrace her. I miss the heartbreakingly genuine smile of Paisley, Corina’s swim teacher at AU. I miss exchanging pleasantries with a homeless man named Ricky while Corina plays at the playground downtown. Just thinking of those people (and others) brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.
If you are a reoccurring "extra" in the film of my life:
You may not even remember me but I've found in your absence that
I need you, I love you and I miss you.
Someone I used to live with wrote on his blog about being jealous of the “paid vacation” that non-essential workers are on (it's a cool blog though, check it out) and even my mom said something about being glad that she’s working but still “more family time would be nice”. I’m sure that they aren’t alone in their envy. If you are one of these people: save your jealousy. You may think that my quarantine is not that different from yours since you already aren't able to see your friends or family but think again. Your co-workers and others that you come in contact with at work are much more precious to you than you ever knew.
Before the quarantine I was on cloud-nine...riding beautiful waves of pregnancy-hormone-bliss and having easy, slow and fun days taking care of a well behaved and well adjusted, darling toddler. Now I’m teetering on the edge of sanity, my days are strange and long at best and Corina’s personality and demeanor has changed for the worst. I would have never guessed that life could be stripped of it’s meaning and most of it’s joy and become so challenging just from six weeks of not seeing anyone that I don’t live with and losing my simple little routine. I’m not trying to be a downer or whine but I want to share a more real side of what this is like...especially after posting that making a tent might help you during this time. (I’m sorry. That is borderline insulting at this point.)
This is actually traumatizing.
I didn't realize how disturbed I was until I started having dreams in which people were pushing me and Corina down when we tried to come close to them. I then had a dream that my grandma had not yet died and she was trying to hug me. She was saying "I'm scared. I miss you." and I kept pushing her down. She was getting bruised and bloody and starting to cry harder and harder begging me to stop "I don't understand Sybilla, please hug me!". I was freaked out to learn that one of my sisters has also been having dreams about pushing people down. I also had a dream that my mom had my dad burn their couch after I sat on it to purge her house of my germs.
I'm not the only one here disturbed. A few days ago Corina (2.5 years old) says to me "Mommy, when you die and I am watching them put you in the ground I will cry but I think the sickness will be over then so all the rest of this family will be able to stand close to me. Will they?" She's wondering if people will be able to offer her physical comfort after my death. That is fucked up.
What if so many people commit suicide during or after isolation that the lives saved from slowing the spread of covid is counteracted?
I won’t be one of those people. I will recover but I have learned through this just how out of my hands my environment is and how unstable my states of ecstasy are. Right before this started I was writing in my journal about how my life was so happy and organized as a result of my good choices and hard work (can you hear my bitter laughter and scoffing?) Even though that sounds cocky I was a much nicer, more fun person when I wrote that. I realize I have not been a pleasant person during this (to those that I live with: saying this is the best apology I can muster right now).
If my basic human needs aren’t being met then you would be wise to stay away from me...Oh wait, you have to stay away anyway.
Without further ado,
The revised version of my original blog series:
Five Ways to Stay Alive During the Apocalypse
1. Be patient with others. They are having a hard time too and may temporarily be dicks. Especially kids.
2. Be patient with yourself. You are not a bad person if you are not performing well while having one of your basic human needs going unmet. It’s okay to be shaken. Buddhism may say otherwise but if you are totally isolated and it’s not affecting you then you need to see a psychologist. This is real trauma. Also, if you are a parent, accept that you cannot protect your kids from the pain of this and stop feeling guilty.
3. Remember (or learn for the first time) the science of a low mood. It takes a lot of happy thoughts to counteract a negative one. Downward spiraling is real and easy to succumb to. The part of your brain that works on future planning (ie hope) will shut down from too much blueness (or alcohol).
4. Don’t let yourself get so low that you stop wanting to feel better. This is the point of no return for me. When I start feeling myself get to that point I gather all the strength and energy I have as quickly as I can and do something radically nice for myself (or at least it feels radical when I’m that low). I know that I need to act quickly because wallowing too long could lead to weeks (or months) of misery and being kind of a shitty person.
5. Focus on the future. I usually find that I’m happiest focusing on the present and that still works for me sometimes during the quarantine. It still worked when we were sitting on a sand bank on the river in the sun one day or when I feel my baby move or snuggle with Corina. But it didn’t work while missing my little sister’s seventeenth birthday party or missing seeing my newborn nephew turn into an active, gigantic baby or when Corina is crying saying “I just want to make new friends”. More often now I am able to get into a happy (or at least neutral) place by daydreaming about the future. Movie night, a camping trip, my new baby joining the outside world, taking Corina wading in the summer, making caramel apples this fall...whatever big or small nice things I can find to fill my mind. Some things are too unknown to daydream about, the world will be changed forever after this so try to focus on the more certain things even if they are more petty.
I'm not the only one here disturbed. A few days ago Corina (2.5 years old) says to me "Mommy, when you die and I am watching them put you in the ground I will cry but I think the sickness will be over then so all the rest of this family will be able to stand close to me. Will they?" She's wondering if people will be able to offer her physical comfort after my death. That is fucked up.
What if so many people commit suicide during or after isolation that the lives saved from slowing the spread of covid is counteracted?
I won’t be one of those people. I will recover but I have learned through this just how out of my hands my environment is and how unstable my states of ecstasy are. Right before this started I was writing in my journal about how my life was so happy and organized as a result of my good choices and hard work (can you hear my bitter laughter and scoffing?) Even though that sounds cocky I was a much nicer, more fun person when I wrote that. I realize I have not been a pleasant person during this (to those that I live with: saying this is the best apology I can muster right now).
If my basic human needs aren’t being met then you would be wise to stay away from me...Oh wait, you have to stay away anyway.
Without further ado,
The revised version of my original blog series:
Five Ways to Stay Alive During the Apocalypse
1. Be patient with others. They are having a hard time too and may temporarily be dicks. Especially kids.
2. Be patient with yourself. You are not a bad person if you are not performing well while having one of your basic human needs going unmet. It’s okay to be shaken. Buddhism may say otherwise but if you are totally isolated and it’s not affecting you then you need to see a psychologist. This is real trauma. Also, if you are a parent, accept that you cannot protect your kids from the pain of this and stop feeling guilty.
3. Remember (or learn for the first time) the science of a low mood. It takes a lot of happy thoughts to counteract a negative one. Downward spiraling is real and easy to succumb to. The part of your brain that works on future planning (ie hope) will shut down from too much blueness (or alcohol).
4. Don’t let yourself get so low that you stop wanting to feel better. This is the point of no return for me. When I start feeling myself get to that point I gather all the strength and energy I have as quickly as I can and do something radically nice for myself (or at least it feels radical when I’m that low). I know that I need to act quickly because wallowing too long could lead to weeks (or months) of misery and being kind of a shitty person.
5. Focus on the future. I usually find that I’m happiest focusing on the present and that still works for me sometimes during the quarantine. It still worked when we were sitting on a sand bank on the river in the sun one day or when I feel my baby move or snuggle with Corina. But it didn’t work while missing my little sister’s seventeenth birthday party or missing seeing my newborn nephew turn into an active, gigantic baby or when Corina is crying saying “I just want to make new friends”. More often now I am able to get into a happy (or at least neutral) place by daydreaming about the future. Movie night, a camping trip, my new baby joining the outside world, taking Corina wading in the summer, making caramel apples this fall...whatever big or small nice things I can find to fill my mind. Some things are too unknown to daydream about, the world will be changed forever after this so try to focus on the more certain things even if they are more petty.
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