don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight in you.
-Charles Bukowski
Pandemic Playgroup kids playing with the "do-not-cross" tape leftover from playground shutdown.
Photo by Aubrea Smith
My daughter Corina and I socially isolated for about two months. We were pretty pure with it and picked up our groceries after ordering online, shopped for non-food items only on Amazon, never ate out, walked to the other side of the street if we came upon someone while taking a walk and talked to my parents through our closed window. It was a brutal experience (read more here) especially because I do not have a job outside the house and don't use social media. After some weeks I began to question if the emotional and spiritual toll was worth the safety I was acquiring for me and my two kids (one still in the womb). Once I reached a climax of mental anguish I slowly started to shift out of quarantine.
It all started in late April when my best friend got news that her dad had hours to live and that she would never see him again. I drove to her house immediately without informing her that I was doing it, I was afraid she would tell me not to come. I was pregnant at the time and during a phone conversation earlier that week we had both decided the risk was too great for me and the baby for us to get together. I was planning on writing a message in chalk on her porch if she wasn’t home or wasn’t comfortable coming out but she came out to greet me as soon as I pulled in. She stood more than six feet away as I got Corina out of the car and the first thing she said was “Do you want to hug?” and we did, of course. I sat closer than six feet to her talking on her porch for over an hour.
For the next few weeks I was awkwardly trying to figure out if my family was comfortable seeing us again without having a direct conversation about it. My mom is a nurse and she works on the Covid floor at St. Vincent’s. Apparently she was the go-to nurse on her shift to care for the confirmed cases for awhile and was given the nick name Carona (her name is Carey). So...if there was a riskier person to hang out with I’m not sure who it was but I desperately missed them and my daughter asked several times a day to visit them and it was breaking my heart. My dad’s boss and his wife also contracted Covid around that time (and his boss has sadly died from it) but I was undeterred. I didn’t want to put pressure on them and they didn’t want to put pressure on me but we both wanted to stop distancing with each other and it went on uncomfortably for a while until I came to pick up something off my parent’s porch and my mom non-verbally invited us in. That day Corina was playing under a heavy blanket with my sisters for like an hour sharing so much breath. My parents put their hands on my pregnant belly for the first time and I cried tears of happiness and relief. I was surprised to find that I felt ecstatic and not anxious when we left.
A couple weeks later I touched a strangers hand.
Josh, Corina and I met two drunk White River sailors who were docking as we sat on the bank at Edgewater Park. We talked and laughed for a long time from a safe distance. I was a little nervous at first but quickly felt as if it were a regular pleasant interaction in a normal non-dystopian world. When I was about to get up from my seat on the grass (I was heavily pregnant) one of the men leaned in and offered his hand to me. I didn’t need his help but we connected and he wanted to touch me and I wanted to touch him. For a split second I thought about asking him to step back but decided to take his hand. I didn’t wash mine when I got home. I felt a warm lightness in my heart that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Soon after that we decided that Corina needed to play with a kid and we got together with our friends Kim, Duran and Poet. We did it outside and I had every intention of distancing but within minutes Poet and Corina were sharing a sippy cup and again I was surprised to find that my gut reaction was joy and relief. We started taking Corina to playgrounds the day the governor opened them back up and have been going a few times a week since then.
Soon after that we decided that Corina needed to play with a kid and we got together with our friends Kim, Duran and Poet. We did it outside and I had every intention of distancing but within minutes Poet and Corina were sharing a sippy cup and again I was surprised to find that my gut reaction was joy and relief. We started taking Corina to playgrounds the day the governor opened them back up and have been going a few times a week since then.
corina and poet
We recently started the Anderson Pandemic Playgroup and have been gathering weekly-ish with other families to play outside. Recently when we got together at Summit Lake I found the toddlers in the group taking turns slurping lemonade directly out of the spigot on the giant jug I brought. If that wasn’t enough a mom in our group (I wont name her) actually walked around that day as we were cleaning up and finished all the kid’s half drank cups of lemonade. I feel really good about the decisions we’ve made and my mood and outlook on life is opposite what it was in March and April: I now feel in control of my life, excited about the future and joyful pretty much every day. I am so grateful for the folks in our playgroup for making Corina and I feel alive again. I’m so glad we found people who are excited to get kids together despite potentially deadly germs. I wish we had started this sooner because each time we’ve hung out has been a blissful and highly therapeutic experience.
pandemic playgroup at the beach
Our lives certainly aren’t back to normal. We aren’t having gatherings at our house. We aren’t eating out indoors but that is more due to the fact that we have two small children. We haven’t shopped anywhere but the hardware and grocery stores and up until recently I was ordering our groceries online to avoid going in the store but this was more about my dislike of seeing people masked than about being nervous. We aren’t going to museums or cultural events like we used to but that’s because either they aren’t happening or due to my discomfort with masking.
Our lives certainly aren’t back to normal. We aren’t having gatherings at our house. We aren’t eating out indoors but that is more due to the fact that we have two small children. We haven’t shopped anywhere but the hardware and grocery stores and up until recently I was ordering our groceries online to avoid going in the store but this was more about my dislike of seeing people masked than about being nervous. We aren’t going to museums or cultural events like we used to but that’s because either they aren’t happening or due to my discomfort with masking.
a painting at Burdock House
I didn’t want this post to seem defensive but since this is such a heated issue and it’s extremely unpopular in most circles I should say more about my feelings regarding masks. I started masking indoors in public before the mandate because I liked the idea of showing others that I care about their safety but I have mixed feelings about how helpful cloth masks are in controlling the virus and I also believe that avoiding germs is bad for our immune health. My discomfort with the masks is almost completely emotional though, it just makes me feel scared to see them. I’ve dealt with the anxiety that masks cause me largely by not going to indoor public places unless I have to. I should also say that I am not ignorant and I am not a pandemic-denyer. I risk sounding ridiculous saying this but I listen to NPR everyday and I have also read about the virus online quite a bit. I’ve listened to and believed the stories my mom has told me about taking care of covid patients. I believe that many many more people have had it then the numbers show and I believe that it is a brutal disease and potentially deadly for some.
My perspective on quarantine and the virus began to shift after hearing a man in his hundreds speak on NPR about his experience with social distancing. He said that he was crushed by what was happening because at his age he never knew when he may die. He figured that if he only has months to live at best then he needs to make every day count. He said he didn’t want people to stay away from him in order to protect him because in doing so they were causing his life to be without pleasure and meaning. After hearing that I thought “I don’t know when my life will end but I know my time left on earth is finite. My days may not be my very last like his are but I don’t know that for sure. My days are just as precious as his so why am I choosing to miss out on the relationships and social experiences that I am living for?”
For me and that wise old man,
death in life is worse than death
That is what it boils down to for me and that has been one of the main beliefs guiding me through life. This is why I moved into a “commune” at eighteen, hitch hiked across the country, backpacked in the Appalachias and Mojave desert, walked alone at night without a phone regularly in several cities across the US, had my baby at home without a midwife and invited all sorts of people to move in with me and it’s why I’ve been talking to strangers against the advice of many since I learned how to talk. Those more unusual risks aside... I, like you, take many “normal” risks every day. I am risking financial ruin and catastrophic heartbreak by loving Josh and committing to live with him forever. Every time I’ve had unprotected sex I have risked losing a child (through miscarriage). Whenever I put my kids in our van and drive somewhere I risk killing us all or someone else (in fact one in about one hundred of us will die that way as opposed to one in two thousand who will die of Covid 19).
Life is risky.
You may think I am selfish and honestly...I am a little selfish.
I didn’t want this post to seem defensive but since this is such a heated issue and it’s extremely unpopular in most circles I should say more about my feelings regarding masks. I started masking indoors in public before the mandate because I liked the idea of showing others that I care about their safety but I have mixed feelings about how helpful cloth masks are in controlling the virus and I also believe that avoiding germs is bad for our immune health. My discomfort with the masks is almost completely emotional though, it just makes me feel scared to see them. I’ve dealt with the anxiety that masks cause me largely by not going to indoor public places unless I have to. I should also say that I am not ignorant and I am not a pandemic-denyer. I risk sounding ridiculous saying this but I listen to NPR everyday and I have also read about the virus online quite a bit. I’ve listened to and believed the stories my mom has told me about taking care of covid patients. I believe that many many more people have had it then the numbers show and I believe that it is a brutal disease and potentially deadly for some.
My perspective on quarantine and the virus began to shift after hearing a man in his hundreds speak on NPR about his experience with social distancing. He said that he was crushed by what was happening because at his age he never knew when he may die. He figured that if he only has months to live at best then he needs to make every day count. He said he didn’t want people to stay away from him in order to protect him because in doing so they were causing his life to be without pleasure and meaning. After hearing that I thought “I don’t know when my life will end but I know my time left on earth is finite. My days may not be my very last like his are but I don’t know that for sure. My days are just as precious as his so why am I choosing to miss out on the relationships and social experiences that I am living for?”
For me and that wise old man,
That is what it boils down to for me and that has been one of the main beliefs guiding me through life. This is why I moved into a “commune” at eighteen, hitch hiked across the country, backpacked in the Appalachias and Mojave desert, walked alone at night without a phone regularly in several cities across the US, had my baby at home without a midwife and invited all sorts of people to move in with me and it’s why I’ve been talking to strangers against the advice of many since I learned how to talk. Those more unusual risks aside... I, like you, take many “normal” risks every day. I am risking financial ruin and catastrophic heartbreak by loving Josh and committing to live with him forever. Every time I’ve had unprotected sex I have risked losing a child (through miscarriage). Whenever I put my kids in our van and drive somewhere I risk killing us all or someone else (in fact one in about one hundred of us will die that way as opposed to one in two thousand who will die of Covid 19).
Life is risky.
You may think I am selfish and honestly...I am a little selfish.
But it's not like I'm running around making out with everyone and then hanging out unmasked with cancer patients. I've been careful in my interactions with strangers and after starting the playgroup I have offered informed consent to the few other people we come close to unmasked (our families and a couple friends). I have told my family and friends right as it has been happening how my views and behaviors have changed.
If you are continuing to social distance I respect your decision and I understand. I was really scared at one point too and we are all figuring this out for the first time and the information available is very limited and confusing but if you are continuing to quarantine and you are miserable then I pose this question to you:
What are you preserving?
If you and your loved ones lives are unhappy and will continue this way for the foreseeable future (look it up and see what the experts are saying, this is probably forever) are your lives even worth saving?
What are you preserving?
If you and your loved ones lives are unhappy and will continue this way for the foreseeable future (look it up and see what the experts are saying, this is probably forever) are your lives even worth saving?
What are you here for?
You can't beat death but you can beat death in life
If you are ready to share space again, hit us up and at the very least you can take off your mask around me and my family
If you are ready to share space again, hit us up and at the very least you can take off your mask around me and my family
we are dying to see your beautiful face again.
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