Anarchist parenting skills: "Yes" is the Magic Word

Anarchist parenting skills

"Yes" is the magic word

What is the magic word when parenting a toddler?

It’s not please. When you ask a toddler “Will you please pick up your toys now?” or “Will you please eat your carrots?” it normally fails. The word ‘please’ puts the power and authority in their hands and they are normally going to say ‘No’ because exercising their autonomy is their absolute favorite thing for a few years.

“No” That’s a word that parents of toddlers and their children use a lot and it's not magic (at least not in a good way). Toddlers hear ‘No’ constantly even if you try not to say it. Their desires are more often than not incompatible with a world made for adults that they are just beginning to understand. For months every time Corina and I got in the car to go somewhere she asked me if she could drive. After I explained to her why she couldn’t drive and buckled her into her carseat (sometimes with a struggle) she would then ask “Well, will you sit back here with me then?”. It seemed silly to have to explain again and again that the car doesn’t move if no one presses the gas pedal but she knew so little about the world that it was necessary. When her perspective is so different from mine it is hard to have empathy but on my good days I can realize that almost everything is confusing and difficult for her and it probably sucks really bad. In her ignorance of how things work she just hears “No! No! No!” to about 90% of what she wants. The constant ‘No.’ is deflating to her ego and frustrating which leads to her acting up. 

That is why I try to say ‘Yes.’ as often as possible. Hands down the most valuable parenting skill I have learned is “Find a way to say ‘yes’. I don’t mean that you should let a two-year-old run your house, that would be maddening and dangerous...not to mention psychologically damaging to your child. I don't mean unlimited cookies or a 1am bedtime. What I mean is that whenever Corina has a request or a whim and I want to say ‘No.’ I try to remember to ask myself two things:

.Why am I saying no? Is it because of a cultural expectation or is this actually dangerous for her, endangering someone else? Is this something that would be very annoying/troublesome to me? Am I afraid of what other parents will think?

.Is there a way I can say ‘Yes’ to this? Is there a solution that is safe and not too much trouble or extra work for me?

This is a practice which my mom often employed while my siblings and I were small. She learned quickly to pick her battles and not let that “Other moms would say ‘no’ to this” thought hamper our play. As a result our home was more harmonious, we never lost the magical curiosity and creative capabilities that we were born with and we developed independence quickly.

Saying “Yes.” often takes an incredible amount of creativity (kids have some strange ideas and impulses). Creativity in parenting is more valuable than years of reading advice books, taking college courses in child development or even years of actual parenting experience. The bad days that Corina and I have had when tears are shed and voices are raised are almost always a result of me being too tired or distracted to parent creatively. I don't always remember to say 'yes' whenever I can and I don't always have the energy to and those days are parenting low points that I'm not proud of. When I am capable of coming up with creative ways to say 'Yes!' we are both so much happier. 

 So, how does this work out in practice? I’ll share some examples from my own parenting journey.

A couple weeks ago Corina drew all over her face with markers. I explained to her that markers aren’t for putting on skin, that there are chemicals in the ink that can hurt her and that it’s too difficult to wash off. Then I told her that I would take the markers away if she did it again. Three days later Corina zipped by me riding a broom stick with her face and arms all blue and green. I reminded her of what I said the first time and I packed up the markers and stashed them in a high place. I had just bought them for her thinking she was old enough to graduate from crayons. 

Corina wept bitterly. Not the type of fit-throwing crying that doesn’t tug my heart strings but real heartbroken crying. She said “I am big enough. I am. Please stop!” between sobs. Later she was sulking around the house with her head low and I picked her up “What’s wrong sweetie?” she sighed and hugged me and said “I want my markers back. I wish I hadn’t drawn on my skin with markers again.” I felt like absolute shit and I remembered to find a way to say yes. “Corina,” I said seriously “I will give you another chance with the markers starting tomorrow okay? And if you feel like you want to color on your face again come and tell me and I will get out the face paint. It’s okay to put face paint on your skin because it washes off easily and doesn’t have any bad chemicals.” Corina's grin was a mile wide. "Can you paint my face like Toucan Sam?...or a monster!?" Ah, much better. Mommy and baby are happy again.

And guess what? She listened to me AND I really enjoy painting her face. It’s a win-win! 

 Another recent example occurred today when she asked me if she could hammer tacks into our dining table. I opened my mouth to say “Absolutely not.” and then thought for a moment. The solution? I got her a cardboard box, tacks and her toy tool kit out. She spent over an hour in deep concentration pounding tacks into the box. Later she even thought to use the tacks to attach Froot Loops to the box. She practiced her fine motor skills, did something creative and experienced an ego boost from being told ‘Yes’ which led to better behavior all day. I benefited from her good mood, enjoyed some uninterrupted cleaning time and even sat down and had a cup of coffee and a sweet without her on my lap, acting up or asking for some sweets too. 

If Corina is doing something loud or dangerous inside I move the play outside. If Corina asks to take her shoes off on a hike I look around for broken glass and then tell her she has to carry the shoes herself if she wants them off. If she asks to taste some beer I let her dip her finger in. If she asks to wear a costume in public...why not? As long as we aren’t going to a wedding or a funeral then who cares? If Corina wants to play outside in bad weather I help her get dressed for it and send her out. If she asks to unload the grocery cart onto the belt, wash the dinner dishes, break the eggs for breakfast, sweep the dirt pile into the dustpan or something else that slows me down or creates a little more work I always try and say ‘Yes.’ because every ‘Yes’ she hears makes her feel & behave better and makes hearing those necessary ‘No’s’ that much easier. PLUS! She is occupied and learning skills that she will use for the rest of her life (and make her less reliant on me as a child). I also believe that saying 'Yes' whenever I can makes her follow rules much better. She knows that I am not saying 'No.' for no reason and she takes me seriously. 

Yes, you can practice cutting with scissors whenever you want as long as you aren't using our books.

Yes, you can pour your drink from cup to bowl and back again for twenty minutes as long as there is a towel underneath you.

Yes, you can make your own toast as long as you ask someone to watch you do it. 

Yes, you can mix your applesauce, milk and spaghetti but I'm not getting you anymore if you don't like it. 

Yes, you can ride your bike inside as long as you never leave it where someone will trip on it.

Yes, you can dig holes outside as long as it’s not in the garden bed with freshly sown seeds.

Saying yes feels good for me and Corina and though it may take more work at the moment it makes each day a little easier and more fun for both of us. It works like magic.